pain is beautiful

It's been a while since I've written anything in here. I've practically abandoned Multiply and shifted over to FB. (Add me; just type in my full name which is Roland Tan Madrazo Jr.)

I'm not even sure if any of you are gonna read this, but what the hell. Things have been doing great so far. I've kept my studying to a minimum, I've decided not to really exert that much effort this semester. err just as long as I pass my subjects. That's pretty much been my motto this year. I'm a little behind in a few of my classes, but it's never too late to fix things up a bit.

I don't know why I keep all my kwento's to myself and yet feel okay posting stuff here for everyone to see. weird. I'm a pretty mellow person these days. I haven't felt like going to clubs. Right now, I prefer drinking at a friends' place with our music, just chilling and going crazy without a care in the world. I especially enjoy having a drink with myself, my own concoction of whatever I have in the fridge and my ipod put to full blast with my rave lights and and shit. I don't know :) I just feel like being mellow. Being all prim and proper during the day and the rest of the week and then go all out when Bigfish arrives. Music is the world to me. I don't know what I'd do without my music.

That's it for now.

It sounds like a plague, but based on my research which consisted of scanning wikipedia - it states that it's not deadly and that we have nothing to worry about(?) besides minor symptoms such as headaches, sore-throats, muscle pains, coughing, weakness and general discomfort. So I guess we have nothing to worry about? (even when reports say that a case of swine flu was detected in calamba when I live a bayan away only)

We won't end up like the Dawn of The Dead or anything right? no worries : )

Even if I felt sick last night, I still went out. It was such a relief to be with Eric Ortega because I got to be myself again after a really long time. We were talking about the past and all the adventures and mischiefs we went and encountered in the past. It was one hell of a night. We looked hysterical laughing at ourselves, but we didn't care because that's just how we ride. So by the end of the night, Carlo gave us a  ride home, but before that we went joyriding around UPLB with my sis and ended stopping at some street and telling a scary story which then resulted to a scare which totally creeped Eric out. You should have seen him! It was like it was the end of the world for him haha. The campus was dark, like no power, like not even one single post, zero. I can't wait for Eric's next trip to elbi.

Oh yeah, Don't be alarmed if you read my posts. They're dark and painful and beautiful. This is just a venue for me to vent out. I am not suicidal.

I've been thinking of getting another tat. I'm totally ready, but I don't know what to get and where. It's only been four months since my last tat.

The people closest to you end up hurting you the most.

First off, I'd like to say thanks to the people that left comments on my previous post. It's very much appreciated, really.

A few nights ago, this chick I only met twice gave me the best advice anyone could have ever offered me. We had a very real conversation outside of some club while on our yosi break. She told me that I'm really young and that when I reach 22, I'd find some girl that'd really knock me off my feet. That calmed me down. I finally had a much-needed breather after that very moment. Thank you Ash. Hope Vietnam does you good, see u in 6 months :)

I can't think straight. I'm so not in the mood for anything. I don't see why we cant be together. It's been four fucking years in the making. I just really don't get it. and why do I fall into this trap every time?

I really don't have anyone to talk to about this. My friends wouldnt understand, I mean, I don't even open up to my friends..besides Eric who is like trapped in San Pablo. so without him, I'm really alone. I've been alone.

I don't even know how to say what I want to say. It's just really difficult and hard. Even up to now, I still believe that my ' i love you' would never be enough. I hate how I wish the real world were just like the movies where all you really need is love, but I understand that it takes more than that. Things just dont go the way I want. Things just don't end like happily-ever-after movies, thigns end badly in the real world.

I just don't know how I can forget you, believe me, I'm really trying. It's just not possible, we live in the same area and we share the same friends so were bound to see each other ALL THE TIME which is fucking difficult. I hate how I have to pretend that things are okey when inside it's just not. There will always be the fucking-huge, velvet elephant in the room that were not allowed to talk about. I just want to forget you, but it's impossible given our situation. I don't think we can ever be just friends.

you are not my rebound. :(

I just don't get it. I really don't. sobrang nahihirapan ako. hindi ko na alam kung ano ang gagawin ko. Music doesn't do me good anymore. Every fucking song reminds me of you. Every stick I smoke doesn't do me good either. Alcohol just depresses me even more. When I eat I think about you too. and worst of all, I hate alone time. I have to keep myself busy to try to forget even when I know that it would return anyways. why can't it stop. tell it to stop. just tell me face to face na ayaw mo skin. I want you to hurt me. hurt me beyond comparison. hurt me. maybe that's all I need. maybe I need to hurt so bad that my mind will choose to forget you. just hurt me. I'm asking you.

Today I went over to my friend's house to have her help me with a couple of math problems I couldn't solve even if my life depended on it.

I feel like blogging even when I don't know what to put down. I had a fun night even if it were just me and two other friends and other Java Ave regulars. It started out really mellow then one of the regulars started mixing hard house music. It was relaxing to get to hear really good music after a long while. It felt good to let go of everything and let the music absorb and take advantage of my body and senses. It beats going to the spa.

In the middle of the mix, this random guy comes out, maybe around my age, and starts beat-boxing. He was really good, like define good. He beat-boxed satisfaction with the lyrics and etc. Just one of those crazy/random Java Ave nights.

Plans of renovation is in process, but idk yet when it'll be implemented. I have so many ideas that would stun los banos with awe. I'll keep you guys updated.

I’m very accustomed to the insufficiency of hours in my schedule, even when I goof off my time with absolutely nothing productive like listen to hours of music or watch mountain loads of DVDs when I could perhaps use that time to study or actually make real friends instead. There has been change. And I uh think it’s good for me.

 This whole summer school shenanigan has actually made me feel very exhausted, like a little or a bit too over-worked. I think my noggin is still adjusting to ‘the’ new environment I’ve introduced it to. My very early class which starts wayyy before the taho vendors are done preparing their love juices ends mid-afternoon. A whopping 8 hours of school from Monday to Friday.

As soon as I get home, I watch at least two episodes of whatever it is I’m watching, then feel really sleepy like I’ve been tranquilized with morphine or whatever it is against my will. I try to fight it, but it’s simply over-powering. It sucks.

When I sleep early, I feel like I’m wasting time. Like I’m throwing it away. To me, 5 hours is way too much sleep. I usually settle for four hours everyday, which has been routine since ever, but now, I sleep about 7-9 hours everyday. Time wasted on sleeping when instead I could be catching up on more important things like mentioned before.

I feel as if the 24 hours we have in a day simply isn’t enough to accomplish whatever it is that needs to be done. Imagine what another hour could do….maybe move mountains.

Where Else?

I was talking to the girl who handles her family’s sari-sari store near my place here in Manila. We were engaging in small talk when she asked me whether I lived alone. I told her that I resided with my brother and that my sis would soon follow this school year. She then asked me whether I get bored at home.

She asked me whether I owned a television, I said yes.

She asked whether I had a DVD player, I said yes.

She asked me whether I had a radio, I said yes.

She asked whether I had a computer, I said yes.

She then said that having the gadgets you enjoy would keep you busy. She said that she could spend the entire day alone in her room just as long as she has a radio or a television. She then added, “Depende din sayo, eh ako, okey na ako basta may tv o radio. Yung iba kailangan talaga ng tao.”

I didn't reply.

Sometimes I forget why people love taking pictures.

I think every photo should be cherished because it's a second in life you can't relive. Photographs are usually well-planned up to the last detail or it can be spontaneous snap shots of pure nothings with intricate meanings. When I say that photo's are something to be cherished, it's just another one of those episodes of self-realization I stumble upon from time to time. Even if I wish to summon the great memories I had in the past, I couldn't..but at least I have proof, solid proof - proof lain upon glossy paper and ink.

But smiles can be easily faked because it only takes a second to fix a frown and have it taken and trick people into believing that for that very moment in your life, you were happy.

Photo's may either be a lie or the truth, but who knows?

Recently I've been facebooking more than multiplying. Like everyone is on FB - celebrities, long lost friends, admirers and yes, my parents. It's like I can't hide from them anymore. It's too embarassing for me having them see me posting photos on FB. I love them, but I don't want them snooping around in all my glory with what my friends and I talk about on FB. But I still haven't forgotten about my Multiply. At least here I'm safe.

I really don't know how to start this entry on account of, I don't want to give out any names or events that people would find similar and point fingers to. Right now, I just really don't know where I want to take my life and I think this confusion won't be resolved any tiem soon. The contents of my ribcage just got heavier, I feel like it's hard to breathe.

I haven't thought of this in a while and just a few minutes ago it popped out again as I was texting and had my music on. Many people say they have felt love, but how do you know whether that love is real or not? How do we know whether those feelings were just the result of being in love with the idea or thought of being in love? Up to now, I still don't really know whether or not I have felt genuine love. It makes me sick. Could I have lured people into having feelings for me just for the sake of trying to fall in love? Am I really a bad person for trying to seek for love? I know I have hurt many people in the past with promises of the future and the world, but what's a guy to do when he feels like it isn't right?

Everywhere I look and everything I hear just screams love. People who are inspired by love do great things like write music and poems and move mountains. Many people are touched by love..hundreds, thousands...maybe millions..but why is it that I feel like the only one left out? Why do I feel like my search is all for nothing? Why do I even bother? Everyone knows how it is to be alone. I'm very much aware of the feeling, but I'll never get used to it. My life seems like a joyride on ecstasy. You get that one moment where you feel loved by the music and the world then suddenly you come crashing down realizing that it was nothing but your bodies reaction to some engineered med that you'd find anywhere if you knew where to look. I wish love came easy, but it rarely does. You can't find it at some back alley and you certainly won't find it in some fairy-tale or in a movie.

I hate how I pretend to relate to romance movies, I know it doesn't happen in real life, but why does it feel so real? Why does the pain feel real? Aren't movies just a fabrication of the real thing? Why do so many people believe in it? why do I believe in it.

There are many things I'm not a strong believer of..religion as one thing, but love? Will I forget about love even when I find it my only power source for me to go on with my daily life? Why is my believing in love slipping away. Do I even believe in love.

I'm throwing a single's night on V day at Java Ave. Let me know if you want to come :D

I'll be using my Sun. (friends)Pm me for my number.